Betrothal (Chinese: 过大礼)

过大礼 is a very significant ceremony for Chinese. It literally means to give a ‘big gift’. There are a whole lot of gifts that needs to be delivered from the groom to the bride, usually done approximately two weeks before the Actual Day. An auspicious date has to be chosen for the 过大礼. On this chosen date, the groom will usually come together with a matchmaker to deliver the gift. Do note that the parents of the groom will not be involved in this. And when we say matchmaker, we don't mean those of the olden Chinese times but probably a close relatiave or friend should suffice. :)

The whole significance of this ceremony is a gesture to show to the bride’s family that she will be properly taken care of and that the groom has the financial ability to make sure that she will have a good life.

What gifts to prepare exactly? It really differs a lot between all the different dialect groups and how traditional your families really are. For my wedding personally, I only had a very simplified version as both families are not particular about it and had little clue into all the nitty gritty details so we just go for the minimal. What matters most is that both sides are satisfied. Sometimes we as youngsters really know nuts about everything but bottomline, at least for myself, I want to make sure that both families are happy so I will do what I can to satisfy both ends. It is afterall, the merging of two families rather than just two individuals.

Let us now breakdown into a few parts:

• Betrothal gifts 娉礼

The betrothal gifts are packed in a traditional multi-tiered wedding basket. It looks like this:

(Photo credit: http://haksheng.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/HS-1023.jpg)

The content typically includes:

1. Western and/or Chinese wedding cakes,

2. Two bottles of brandy

3. Even numbered of oranges,

4. Peanut candies / Rice candies, depending on dialect,

5. Minimum six tins of canned pork trotters (whole roasted pig for Cantonese bride),

6. Two pairs of dragon and phoenix candles 龙凤烛,

7. Betrothal jewelry from the groom’s parents to the bride.

Cantonese will have the dragon and phoenix bangle 龙凤琢 and for Teochew, four pieces of gold 四点金.

• Bride’s Dowry 娉金

The amount is usually pre-agreed during the wedding negotiations or the bride’s parents can also leave it to the groom’s side to decide.

Nowadays, it is usually presented in a red packet. For the reason of auspicious, even amounts are usually presented.

A portion is expected to be returned to indicate that

1. The groom’s family is overly generous,

2. The bride’s family is not greedy,

3. Both families will share their good fortune.

There is also a saying that this portion is returned to avoid the impression of the bride’s family ‘selling’ their daughter.

• Return gifts 回礼

An even numbered portion of all the other gifts are returned to the groom’s family together with the 2 phoenix candles.

The bride’s side will light the 2 dragon candles and the groom’s side the phoenix candles on the morning of the wedding day.

A red packet for the groom’s parents to buy shoes is required.

• Distribution of Wedding Invitation Cards & Cakes

On this day, wedding invitation cards will also be distributed formally together with the wedding cakes. This is typically done for the close relatives.

For myself personally, I delivered the cakes to my close relatives together with the invitation cards, oranges and canned pig trotters.

Depending on individuals, the details of the whole betrothal ceremony can vary quite a fair bit. A lot of time, it is the family which have certain traditions that they want to stick to. Most importantly, we suggest couples to always have a proper discussion with both families on their opinions and input to the ceremony. This will prevent last minute hiccups from either side and by seeking their point-of-view, it is a form of respect too.

If you need any help, do feel free to drop Jolly J. an email at info.jolly.josiah@gmail.com.

Remember, we have been there and done that. We know your difficulties. Have a chat with us if you need our help!

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